I want to leave her, but my conscience keeps guilting me into not doing anything about the situation I'm in. I have many reasons as to why I should leave her. Reasons include the following:
1) Constantly calling OUR child "hers" during the pregnancy.
2) Breaking up with me during the pregnancy.
3) Excluding me from her birthday activities/ the baby shower after having gotten back together (sure this isn't too serious, but I wanted to be a part of everything).
4) Missing out on the birth of our child.
5) Leaving my family and friends behind to move out to a completely new area where I know nobody.
6) Slaving away at work for 50+ hours doing physical work, and coming home and being asked to do chores and such in my state of exhaustion.
7) FORBIDDING ME FROM HANGING OUT WITH ANY OF MY GUY FRIENDS EVER! (she thinks they are bad influences on me, and she hasn't even met them ever!)
8) Constantly bringing up ideas for the wedding, and saying she wants my opinions and ideas to be part of the wedding, but saying that all of my ideas and opinions are stupid. [i.e. she gets to choose what my tuxedo looks like, but I can't help her choose her dress].
9) She wouldn't let me choose my own wedding band, where as she gets to choose her own wedding band!
10) Trying to change my entire wardrobe [i.e. criticizing my old t-shirts, telling me to throw them away, and buying me completely new shirts that I probably will not wear ever...)
11) Spending money that she doesn't have on extremely expensive items [i.e. her new camera for her photography business]
12) Not wanting to leave her home town EVER!
And finally...
13) Making me sleep in an entirely different room simply because she won't put up with my snoring... -.-
Those are only a few things of an outrageously long list of problems that I am having with being in this relationship / engagement with her. And to top that, there are only a few things that are keeping me from leaving her. Those things are as follows:
1) Our son (I don't want him to grow up with parents who are separated)
2) The fact that her photography business wouldn't make her enough money to help support her, our son, and help pay off her loans each month.
Yes, her photography business is slowly making its start, but it's not making enough at all to even cover ONE BILL per month! And because I make close to 10 times more money than her each month, I am obligated to pay for everything... I am getting so sick of being walked all over like a door matt, and yet, my conscience is playing soccer with my brain, saying "you have to do what's right; you can't leave her or she won't be able to support herself..."
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I just want out. But I don't know how. :[ Save me, please?
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
One year, and still no peace...
I've been dealing with an extreme amount of inner conflict for quite some time now, just about over a year to be exact. Let me just lay down some facts to start off, just so everyone is up to date with my troubles...
I started dating this wonderful girl in March of 2011. We hit things off rather well, and like every other young couple, we eventually became intimate. About two months into our relationship, she informed me that she was pregnant. (No biggy, she and I had talked about if the situation were to arise.) We had convinced ourselves that we were very much "in love" with each other, and that we would raise our child, eventually get married, and live a happy and wonderful life. That all changed near the end of her first trimester of the pregnancy.
There had been a few days in a row in which she did not want to see me, where she just wanted some alone time. I was hurt by this, but I observed her request and gave her a few days to herself. After three or four days, I was finally getting antsy to see her. On July 6th of 2011, I picked up some flowers and surprised her at her apartment. I presented the flowers to her, stating that I had only wanted to see her for a few minutes. I can't really explain how things happened afterwards, but she broke up with me before I left, stating that I was becoming too clingy and immature for her.
I was broken. I drove off filled with anger and frustration. At that moment, I did not want to live anymore. For the next four months of her pregnancy, she treated me as if I was some horrible person whenever we encountered at her check-ups. She would barely speak to me, and when she did, she was very rude and aggressive towards me. I began giving up on ever getting back together with her, the girl whom I had fallen so madly in love over. As the days continued, we eventually held more civil conversations.
Finally, she had texted me, saying she wanted to meet up and talk about everything AFTER FOUR AND A HALF AGONIZING MONTHS! I was still incredibly hurt, but I agreed with her that I would meet up to talk about things. When we met, I was shaking from my nerves, afraid my heart would be crushed even more. The strange thing about that day was we had actually talked ourselves back into a relationship, and just two months before our child was due.
So as somewhat of a recap, I had been left broken-hearted for basically my whole Summer (and it didn't help that my grandfather had passed away just a few months before that as well). But here's where the demons really started "setting up camp" in my head...
On November 17th of 2011, I had left work early because I wasn't feeling well when I had received a call from my girlfriend's mother, saying that she was going into labor... FIVE WEEKS EARLY?! I couldn't believe it; I even called up my father, who is a doctor, to see what the likelihood of myself making it to the delivery would be. He thought I would be able to make it, seeing as the drive would be a little over an hour to the hospital. As my mother drove me to the hospital, I received another call from my girlfriend's mother...
Our son had arrived into the world, and I was not there to witness it, or even cut the umbilical cord.
I was crushed. I missed out on the birth of my first child, my first son! When my mother and I arrived at the hospital, I could barely look my girlfriend in the eyes because I was so infuriated with her and with God.
She and I had just talked a few hours earlier about how I wanted to be there when our son was born, but no! I was screwed over by her, and by God! My inner demons were growing and laughing at me, and they still do to this day.
If you've read this far, I thank you very much for your patience and my venting. I have been holding in these emotions for quite some time now, and I am doing everything I possibly can to keep myself from making them obvious to the people I care about. I will make it known that I had proposed to my girlfriend one month after our son was born, on December 24th of 2011, and that is because I do love her and care about her. But now in July, eight months later, I am having second feelings about my situation.
I am not happy.
I work 10+ hours a day, five days a week, making a little more than minimum wage, and yet my now fiance still treats me like I don't do enough around the house. I pay all the bills and our rent; I pay for all the groceries; I pay for the gas in my car, and even sometimes the gas in HER car. I love my fiance, and I love my son, but I do not feel as if they love me back. I am not treated with the respect or love that I should deserve. I contribute close to 100% of my family's expenses, and yet I'm still the one who needs to "clean the dishes" or "vacuum the rugs" once I get home from work.
What does my fiance do all day? Yes, she takes care of our son, but she also sits around on FaceBook trying to run her photography business. (Which frankly, her photography business is going nowhere.) And when I ask her why she couldn't have done any of the cleaning while I was gone, she replies with a "I've been taking care of the baby all day."
Don't babies sleep and take napes during the day?!
I have so much more to rant / vent about, but I feel as if this is good enough for now. To whomever has read all of this, please reply with any insight/ thoughts/ opinions/ or advice that I could use. Please and thank you!
I started dating this wonderful girl in March of 2011. We hit things off rather well, and like every other young couple, we eventually became intimate. About two months into our relationship, she informed me that she was pregnant. (No biggy, she and I had talked about if the situation were to arise.) We had convinced ourselves that we were very much "in love" with each other, and that we would raise our child, eventually get married, and live a happy and wonderful life. That all changed near the end of her first trimester of the pregnancy.
There had been a few days in a row in which she did not want to see me, where she just wanted some alone time. I was hurt by this, but I observed her request and gave her a few days to herself. After three or four days, I was finally getting antsy to see her. On July 6th of 2011, I picked up some flowers and surprised her at her apartment. I presented the flowers to her, stating that I had only wanted to see her for a few minutes. I can't really explain how things happened afterwards, but she broke up with me before I left, stating that I was becoming too clingy and immature for her.
I was broken. I drove off filled with anger and frustration. At that moment, I did not want to live anymore. For the next four months of her pregnancy, she treated me as if I was some horrible person whenever we encountered at her check-ups. She would barely speak to me, and when she did, she was very rude and aggressive towards me. I began giving up on ever getting back together with her, the girl whom I had fallen so madly in love over. As the days continued, we eventually held more civil conversations.
Finally, she had texted me, saying she wanted to meet up and talk about everything AFTER FOUR AND A HALF AGONIZING MONTHS! I was still incredibly hurt, but I agreed with her that I would meet up to talk about things. When we met, I was shaking from my nerves, afraid my heart would be crushed even more. The strange thing about that day was we had actually talked ourselves back into a relationship, and just two months before our child was due.
So as somewhat of a recap, I had been left broken-hearted for basically my whole Summer (and it didn't help that my grandfather had passed away just a few months before that as well). But here's where the demons really started "setting up camp" in my head...
On November 17th of 2011, I had left work early because I wasn't feeling well when I had received a call from my girlfriend's mother, saying that she was going into labor... FIVE WEEKS EARLY?! I couldn't believe it; I even called up my father, who is a doctor, to see what the likelihood of myself making it to the delivery would be. He thought I would be able to make it, seeing as the drive would be a little over an hour to the hospital. As my mother drove me to the hospital, I received another call from my girlfriend's mother...
Our son had arrived into the world, and I was not there to witness it, or even cut the umbilical cord.
I was crushed. I missed out on the birth of my first child, my first son! When my mother and I arrived at the hospital, I could barely look my girlfriend in the eyes because I was so infuriated with her and with God.
She and I had just talked a few hours earlier about how I wanted to be there when our son was born, but no! I was screwed over by her, and by God! My inner demons were growing and laughing at me, and they still do to this day.
If you've read this far, I thank you very much for your patience and my venting. I have been holding in these emotions for quite some time now, and I am doing everything I possibly can to keep myself from making them obvious to the people I care about. I will make it known that I had proposed to my girlfriend one month after our son was born, on December 24th of 2011, and that is because I do love her and care about her. But now in July, eight months later, I am having second feelings about my situation.
I am not happy.
I work 10+ hours a day, five days a week, making a little more than minimum wage, and yet my now fiance still treats me like I don't do enough around the house. I pay all the bills and our rent; I pay for all the groceries; I pay for the gas in my car, and even sometimes the gas in HER car. I love my fiance, and I love my son, but I do not feel as if they love me back. I am not treated with the respect or love that I should deserve. I contribute close to 100% of my family's expenses, and yet I'm still the one who needs to "clean the dishes" or "vacuum the rugs" once I get home from work.
What does my fiance do all day? Yes, she takes care of our son, but she also sits around on FaceBook trying to run her photography business. (Which frankly, her photography business is going nowhere.) And when I ask her why she couldn't have done any of the cleaning while I was gone, she replies with a "I've been taking care of the baby all day."
Don't babies sleep and take napes during the day?!
I have so much more to rant / vent about, but I feel as if this is good enough for now. To whomever has read all of this, please reply with any insight/ thoughts/ opinions/ or advice that I could use. Please and thank you!
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